Events are turning, and my self awareness has peaked as a result. I'd like to start this over, despite the fact that I pretend it will be read by anyone other than myself. Journaling the old fashioned way a la pen and notebook reminds me too much of the past, consumes too much time, and was written in a pattern that only highlighted all of my negativity.

The blogging trend seems to have gone as quickly as it came. Maybe thats why I don't feel so cliché doing this as I did a few months ago. I have no intentions or plans for this blog other than a lesson in how to display my honest thoughts in their naked form.

I have a feeling I'll be glad I revived this come college time. It's a tiny third of a year away. A wink compared to how long i've had my hobby of breathing. High school for me, has been a blur. I think i'm relieved. The only thing holding me back is the idea that it's supposed to be that way for everybody. Everyone feels that initial relief, but inevitably misses it later. Something nobody will admit this early in the stages of leaving it all behind. I however, know that I will not. I don't want to explain why at this time because that will be rebirthing my blog in the same way I was trying to avoid journaling about. I'll save those stories for another day. Maybe.

If you're familiar with blogs (which, if you're reading this then you must be because odds are you ran out of other blogs to read) then I'm sure you've heard of FML. If not.. Go google it.

At first it was.. Cute.. I guess. But then again I'm fueled by retarded human misfortune. So am I the only one who sees this as an extremely pathetic sign of the times? Is it not just sad that people go through such horrible experiences (assuming they aren't lying) and they feel the need to address the internet anonymously?

I guess it's more effective than doing something about your problems.
Now go have google auto correct your next search.

What is it that makes people apt to adding extra letters in words that don't belong to make an exaggeration or look cute?

"yesssss"
"i love youuuuu"
"i'm so excited for tomorrowwwwww"
"omg you have to luv lil wayne he's da best. i luvv lil wayneeeee"

Okay, first off is it not only a PROVEN fact that listening to Lil Wayne makes you dumb (see here) by slurring your words, you really aren't proving a point as to why I should love him either. Granted, even if you made an extraordinary point as to how listening to him will change my life for the better forever, I still wouldn't listen to him. I'd be too distracted thinking how it's possible for someone who looks the way he does to NOT have down syndrome.

And speaking of down syndrome, that's exactly what I imagine the person sounding like with all these slurred words.

I guess stupid is as stupid does.

when I tell them I'm going to New Zealand, Australia, or Europe.
Take a look at this, and really give it some thought.

Sometimes I feel like I make excuses for certain things that I do, just to hush my mind. Even though these so called excuses really are rational reasons for doing things, or refraining from doing them. Maybe I just need to trust myself more. Even though I'm the only person I do really trust I guess there's always room for improvement. Once I learn to fully do that, maybe I can begin to trust other people.. But I don't know if I really want to do that.

People call me a pessimist, for not having faith in others. These are generally the words of ignorant optimists who waste their thoughts imagining and hoping for a lottery win or a fairytale love.
When this happens it's all I can do to keep from taking a razor to their air-filled heads. I am not a pessimist, I am a realist, and that is why I won't be the one walked all over on this side of the argument.

SVA scholarship letters go out today. I'm hoping and praying. I just want to get out of this house, and with a scholarship I may be able to dorm. And that my friends, would finally make me happy.

and I won't be the last to voice my opinion on the Rihanna/Chris Brown scandal.

It's just disgusting. Plain and simple. I don't need to use any fancy adjectives to make myself look like any other popular blogger. Chris Brown is a pig and there's nothing more to it. I'll admit I did get my kicks and giggles out of the situation by making cracks like "Listening to Chris Brown's greatest hits featuring Rihanna" and "Looks like Chris Brown's the one breakin' dishes off Rihannas head" which I'll admit was messed up. But that's just my sense of humor. Some find it twisted. Well I have just one thing to say..

Bite me.

But as far as her leaked picture goes, I'm not sure what makes me angrier. The fact that she looked the way she did as the result of a temper tantrum, or the fact that someone would just click away during such a frightening moment. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you human nature.


I got my deceased great aunts sewing machine last night. I can figure out any electronic without help of a manual, and put together most kits without even glancing at the instructions. But a fucking machine from the 1950's has got me beat. What the fuck?! Irony at it's finest dear people. Manuals back then sucked. Yet the thing goes for 500 bucks on most vintage antique websites. Sweeet.

Repetitive bitching blogs about how girls will only fuck guys over really make me laugh my imaginary balls off.

Anyone looking for love is a tool. Ha-ha.

I blew off the city today on account that it's 36 fucking degrees out. I cannot and will not tolerate the cold. Especially not to go wander around the same parts of the city for the umpteenth time in my later teen years. I'll be getting enough of that this time next year anyway.
I rarely leave my house anymore for just those two reasons. Cold. And the fact I'll be missing this down time come next year. I'll be abysmally deep in art projects, and barely have any time to wipe my own twat. Which could pose as a problem since I piss about 98 times in a day.

But for some reason the chaos sounds so welcoming. I was born in Manhattan, so it's what I strive for. Freedom, business, and chaos.

Fuck to the yes.
Go get me a job. DOLPHIN GYM WHY WON'T YOU CALL ME BACK?!

was particularly predictable, being as how it was just valentines day.
But I was able to relate to one French PostSecret.

It means "I want to be alone."

I had an interesting text message conversation with Erik yesterday, and was surprised at how taboo my feelings toward the idea of a a relationship were to him. I wonder if they would be viewed the same way by the majority, seeing as how I have not gone up on podiums expressing my beliefs of something I find so petty..

Yes I said it. I think relationships are just petty.
I am not relationship material. Being in a long term relationship at a premature age had taught me this as well as turned me off from the idea of any sort of commitment. I know I'll get bored and I know I'll hurt someone. At the very most, I'd just rather be the friend with benefits in someone elses life. That isn't to say that I'm looking for someone, because I'm not. What I mean is, if someone wants a relationship, they're not going to get it, but I'd be happy to provide some casual makeouts here and there.

Is that not what most girls want? Does this shock you in any way? Erik was a little surprised to hear this. Don't get me wrong, I love the kid to death, and I'm in no way criticizing his interpretation of my beliefs, I'm just curious to see how many people would have the same interpretation to the fact that yes, I am a 17 year old high school girl who can do without a relationship or love.

I really have the urge to tell a few people off. The only thing standing in my way is the fact that there's no school for the next week. I could do it online, but gee, I'm not 12 anymore, and it doesn't prodive as much gratification and fun as doing it in person. But I am impatient. I must control myself. Fortunately, control is my specialty.

I just did one of those sneezes that nearly rupture your jugular, and send a very painful vibration through the hollows of your neck. Christ that hurt. I've been sneezing more than usual lately. I can only assoicate it with the constant changes that come with this bi-polar weather. It seems promising though. It's been warmer than usual, so hopefully that means this cold will lift and spring will come early. March is usually a tricky month. But according to the Chinese woman my mom works with (who we've nicknamed Confucious since she's always sharing her Chinese wisdom and philosophies) says that since Chinese New Year came early this year, spring will too. And it's going to be a hot year. Although I could've told you that one. Can anyone say global warming?

Wednesday my trainer took my bodyfat %. I'm up to 11%, I've gone up 5% (from 6% for those who can't do math) it's still too low for menstruation which explains my lack of bloody vagina. Ho hum.

Loving the new template I made in Adobe Dreamweaver all by myself. I'm so proud.

Oh fuck, I'm finally going full blonde again tomorrow. HALLELUJAH.